By Perri
Living in a van has many challenges. And when you are a two people, in a cramped, low-ceiling van with a large sloppy, often-smelly dog, it has a few more. People often wonder how we manage to get along in such a small space. Well, let me tell you… it’s not all that difficult actually.
Relationship-wise, living in a van is not all that different from living in a house. Beneath-the-surface cracks and creaks will still be there, just maybe a bit more obviously–No space to stow them 🙂
Here’s how we maintain our equilibrium:
Humor
When you can find humor in a situation, it automatically gets better. I’ve mentioned before our age-related hearing challenges. Well, they can be frustrating sometimes, all that asking and repeating. But they can be funny too. My hearing is fading fast. Dan is a quiet talker. The comedy writes itself!
One of my favorite moments was when I could have sworn I heard Dan offer the dog a beer! These frequent miscommunications are not the best part of our middle-aged togetherness. But funny though. Really. Sometimes.
Likewise with stressful moments that rile us up. Like that time we found a dirt road we’d planned to boondock down had collapsed and had to turn around on a narrow ledge.
Or when Milo saw a cat from a hundred yards out, took a super-hero-like leap out the back doors of the van and was gone for a few heart-pounding minutes.
Or when a hundred other things that could lead to anger and blame became just another part of the adventure.
If it’s gonna be funny in retrospect, let it just be funny, right?
Space
Dan and I do MANY things together.
Now that we are not heading off to work, we spend at least 80% of our time by each others’ sides. That’s a lot, especially as we are a couple of dyed-in-the-wool introverts. We have learned to give each other space. I often take long walks alone. Dan enjoys time by himself to work or read.
Space is especially important when one of us is feeling grumpy, or anxious or out-of-sorts, which happens, van-living or no. Not every moment is a crazy brave adventure, after all.
We know each other well enough to know when space is needed and, as van living prompts a near-constant interaction in deciding the where and what of our everyday doings, a little time apart is more than okay. It is necessary.
Acceptance
Nobody’s perfect. I have some pretty clear foibles. One of which is my tendency to overstress about road conditions, leading to a little backseat (sideseat?) driving. Dan can get a little anxious/grumpy sometimes, especially when we are heading off without a place to stay or plan for the night. When we lived in a house, different stressors caused much the same dynamic. Van living doesn’t make you a whole new person after all.
At such times of stress or struggle, we know to let the feelings go. We are lucky enough to love each other even in the roughest moments without trying to change each other. I am useless with tools and fixing things, also with picking up dog poop. Dan can be messy and (at times) a little overly rule-abiding (in my humble opinion). But whatever. After 24 years these are just part of the package. We accept and move on, trusting the next moment will be better. Which it always is.
Time
There are occasions where we disagree disagreeably. We’ve had one moment that could qualify as an “argument” in our first 3 1/2 months of living on the road. I can’t remember what started it, but we were both crabby and had a few words, a tense hour or so after. But being old(ish) and therefore, slightly wise, we know that nine-time-out-of-ten, all that’s needed in these moments is time. We went for a hike– an initially tense hike that left us happy again, the moment long past.
An exclamation Mark on Four Wheels
Living out of a van won’t heal a broken relationship. But it also won’t break a healthy one either. At most, van living might add an exclamation mark (or maybe italics) to long simmering patterns. But if you know and love one another, 77 square feet is PLENTY of room.
